Christmas is coming soon, and I just fell in love with your voice again. I was inquiring what you’ve done in the last years concerning music and so I found your Christmas album. No, I didn’t buy it because once again I didn’t like most of it. But one song I have downloaded from the internet - “God rest ye merry gentlemen”, how delightful! This is one of my favorite Christmas songs anyway, now I could listen to your version in an endless loop the whole day.


It was Christmas Eve in 1990. In the summer I had cut out a little picture of his new album from a magazine and put it beside my alarm clock. Some day I showed it to my mother and wished for “that” for Christmas. When the time came near, I had forgotten it.
Like every year we went to church before the gift giving. When we came back home, I was the first one in the house. Completely clueless I opened the door to our living room and got the shock of my life! Opposite to the door the Christmas tree was standing and from under the tree his tender eyes were looking at me. That was too much. It came so surprisingly and unexpected that the feelings overwhelmed me and I couldn’t get out a word. When the other family members came in, I only babbled I would fetch my camera and stumbled in my room.
I tried to calm down my heart but I couldn’t manage. I was cheering and as happy as never before. When I went downstairs again I still couldn’t touch this record. And also I didn’t know how to thank for this gift. I couldn’t reveal to my family my love for him.
Not until all other presents were packed out I could ask if I could listen to the record. It was the only time I heard it in the presence of my family. After that I rather wanted to be alone with his wonderful voice.


I’m really surprised about myself spending money for your singing once again. Last week I bought on Ebay a DVD of “Jekyll & Hyde” and just a little while ago an old CD.
It’s about more than ten years ago now, that I last listened to your music. But probably I burned the bridges behind me too radically. Else I cannot explain why I occupy myself with you that much again, I’ve got the feeling that I still have to handle something. You just cannot bury and forget six years of deepest affection that easily.
Today I ask myself how that influenced me and what is still left. I feel your voice is still touching me to the core, I don’t know that from anyone else. But is this real favor yet, or just a sentimental memory?
I decided to replace both records and several cassettes of you that I own by CDs. Then I make an iPod playlist with the pieces I still like today. We’ll see, how much will that be yet, I’ve already forgotten so much.


On the first Christmas holiday we went to see some relatives. There my brother got a gift that I begrudged him for. It was a book of my favorite TV series - where he was playing the leading part. I was joking that the book has been in the wrong present. But at this time my brother was a fan of the series, too, and so he said: “No, no that’s just right.”
He began to read on the very same day, and yet we clashed with each other. I was at a disadvantage, because it was his gift, and so I leaned on him that I could read it, too. We agreed that we would alternate in times of ten minutes. But when I just wanted to read a line to its end, he grabbed the book out of my hands. Sometime the whole thing got too dumb to me, and when I was waiting to be on turn again, I made him the proposition to read the book to him. My dear brother agreed with that. We made ourselves comfortable and I started once again from the very beginning.
From that moment on we stuck together every day reading in our new favorite book. Together we had much more fun without being constantly interrupted, we added our two cents everywhere and screamed with laughter. So we were lying from morning to night in his or my room - mom was only shaking her head. Just when we had finished the book, we started over again. Five times we did so. We couldn’t stop any more so much fun we had with it. Jestingly we called it the “Neverending Story”.
So the year 1990 passed. For me it was a happy year, a year full of love, the first year with him. I felt that this was stronger then anything I had been feeling before. And the first time I felt what the world was calling “lovesickness”. He had shown me what pain is. Still I could bear it.


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