Life Is So Cruel                                                                                          1992, November 22nd

It‘s not what they call a typical Californian sunny day. Indeed, it’s warm, but the whole sky is covered with clouds. I’m alone.

I sit at Sunset Beach, crying. Suddenly somebody lays his arms around my shoulder. Frightened I jump up and turn around. I have to blink several times ‘till I can see clearly. Richie, a good friend of mine, stands in front of me.
Again he lays his hands on my shoulder and looks at me.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks quietly, then he takes me in his arms.
“I lay at the beach and fell asleep. I had a wonderful dream where I met a man, tall, handsome brown curls, lovely blue eyes. We spent the night together, I lay in his arms, it was wonderful. But suddenly I woke up. I only felt the sand under my hands instead of his warm skin. He simply had disappeared!”
I tell all this with tears in my eyes. Richie lets me go off and looks at me.
“Do you talk about... ?”
I close my eyes and nod. He holds me tight, I let my head sink on his shoulder. He tries to comfort me.
“Hey, we are in Los Angeles, you can try to see him.” As I don’t answer, he takes my hand and says:
“Come on.”

Silently we go to his car and start to San Fernando Valley. It begins to rain as we arrive in front of his house. My heart is beating. Richie rings. Once. Twice. And a third time. Nothing moves. Nobody at home.
It’s pouring with rain, we are wet through and trough, and nobody can see my tears. I sink to the ground and land on the wet asphalt. Richie kneels in front of me and speaks to me.
Suddenly, a black car arrives and stops only a few metres away. He is it. Richie runs to him and tries to explain him the situation, then he goes away.

The door of the car opens, he gets off and helps me to stand up. My knees are so weak I can hardly stand. But I take care and run beside him into the house. Arriving in the dry room he takes me in his arms tightly. He caresses my back until I’ve calmed down a bit.
Then he goes away and a few minutes later he comes back with a towel and a white thing in his hand. It’s his white pullover, that with the big collar.
While he disappears in the kitchen I change my clothes. The pullover is much too big for me but wonderful soft and warm. I lay myself down in an armchair.
He comes back with two boiling cups. I drink the hot tea and it becomes warm inside of me. Meanwhile he also found a pair of trousers for me, the white ones with the thin grey stripes. My feet disappear in it, but it’s so warm and soft.
While I put them on, he has lighted a fire in the fireplace. Now I sit in front of it on a sheepskin. He sits behind me and dries my hair. I close my eyes and sit quietly, my whole energy is concentrated on feeling his hands. He lays the towel away and gives me a massage on my neck and shoulders. I press my lips one against the other, so much tenderness is hardly bearable.
He touches my arms for a short time and then he stands up suddenly. I turn around and see him disappear in the kitchen. Coming back he is holding a bottle of sparkling wine in one hand and two glasses in the other one. Again he sits down beside me and opens the bottle. Outside it’s dark the rain knocks on the window. Here inside it’s warm, the fire is crackling.
“Cheers”, the glasses clink silently, the sparkling wine prickles comfortably on my tongue. His closeness prickles on my skin.

Usually I don’t drink much alcohol and so I realize after a while how a little dizzy feeling is floating through my body. Soon we lie beside each other in front of the fireplace. His warm breath touches my hair.
Suddenly I feel his lips on my forehead. I lift up my head and look straight into his blue eyes. I’ve never seen so wonderful blue eyes. They are so clear and so blue and they sparkle in the glow of the flickering fire. Carefully I caress his cheek. He closes his eyes and shows me that he likes it. I carry on, caress through his hair. Then I open the first button of his shirt, caress his neck. He grates his forehead on mine, it’s an awful feeling.
But suddenly I have to sneeze, at last minute I can turn away my head.
He laughs: “I think you caught a cold.” He stands up and disappears a third time in the kitchen.
I lay down again and stare at the ceiling.
‘Damn’ I think. ‘Right now it was so wonderful.’
This time it takes him longer. I see the reason as he comes back. He’s holding a glass of hot milk in his hand. Happily I smile at him, he is so carefully! He smiles at me, too, sits down beside me again and gives me the glass.
“Thank you” I say and drink.
“Is it good?”
“Yes, wonderful.”
As the glass is empty, he puts it away and takes me at ones in his arms again. I feel his heart beating, I get hot. While we sink down at the soft skin, our lips are touching, only a second. A shiver runs down my back. His lips taste awfully good. But not only this, he also smells good. His skin, his hair, it scents sweet, it’s Exciting Amber, my favorite fragrance. But not only the scent is exciting, this man is it as well. At this moment I know, I will never get enough of him. I want more, I need more!
We are kissing again, tenderly like the first time, but longer. Then we look at each other, we both want more. Finally our lips find each other to a real kiss. Endlessly long, tender, and so full of passion. I feel his lips so intensive, feel one with him, as if we were flying through an endless space which is only made of warmth and much, much tenderness. I’m on fire. Every centimeter he touched seems to burn. And I want more!
I open his shirt, it flies in a corner. My pullover and our trousers, too. I touch his naked skin, it feels as hot as mine. I caress his chest, feel the little soft curls, touch them with my lips and kiss every centimeter of his tender skin.
An immense tension lies in the air, passion! I can hardly bear it and it seems so does he. We caress each other endlessly slowly, fall deeper and deeper in ecstasy, until our lips fuse in a long kiss. Our tongues meet, play with each other, we are holding each other tight and finally our bodies become one.
Minutes later I lie tired and relaxed in his arms. Our bodies are overheated and although the fire is burning the air around us feels cold. He angles for a soft blanket and covers us with it. I glide deeper in his arms, his warmth does so good to me. Deep inside me I feel his nearness, hear his heartbeat. Almost an eternity we lie there in this way, until I finally ask quietly:
“Have you already fallen asleep?”
“No, I’m still awake” he answers also quietly. His warm hand caresses softly my face. Only this little tender movement, and all of me is shouting for a new edition of the things we gave each other in the last hour. It seems as if he also demands for it. Our lips fuse again in a passionate kiss. And I feel “the heat of ecstasy” again.

But suddenly a cruel sound reaches my ear. I try to ignore it, let me seduce by his caressing hands. But this terrible sound comes nearer, breaks into my brain that it hurts. I don’t feel him any more. He glides off of my hands like air. I reach out for him, want to hold him tight, but also his picture turns to nothing. I cry out his name and suddenly I fall hard to the ground.
Again there’s this cruel sound.
‘The clock’, it runs through my brain. ‘Where’s the clock?’ I touch over the dresser until I find it, and after tantalizing minutes I can stop this terrible sound.
I stand up and see that it is raining. Raindrops flow over the window pane, teardrops flow over my face. Weakly I sink back to the ground. He looks at me from all directions. Lifeless, cold. I press my face against his picture. Now teardrops also flow over his face. My own ones. My head is aching. I touch my face, my forehead is hot, I think I’ve got temperature. Damn!

It’s just another manic monday...


I wrote this story in one or two hours, without thinking about it. I was sitting in my bed, leaning on the wall, a pillow in my back. My feelings for you were flowing directly from my heart through the pencil to the paper, not taking a long way round my brain.


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